Recycling, not Relapse
Author: Martha Ruske, MFT

RECYCLING, NOT RELAPSE

A while ago, as I started a period of transition in my work life, I found myself gaining weight. Weight has never been an easy thing for me to keep in line, but I did what I usually do: buckle down a bit, stop eating certain foods, etc. Maybe go to the gym more.

Well, my weight kept going up. I told myself, this is normal. I'm getting older. I just have to work a little harder. That didn't do it either. My weight kept going up, despite anything that I did to counter it.

Finally "it" had my full attention. I began to observe myself: my eating had a compulsive nature to it. I was also feeling somewhat depressed and isolated. I was fearful of the changes I was feeling called to make. I was doubting my abilities, and my self esteem was low. I was lacking in energy at a time that I needed to be able call on my energy reserves.

For someone in recovery, a period like this can be scary because we have been trained to think "relapse." And indeed relapse is always a possibility. But I wasn't tempted to return to my primary addiction of alcohol. Instead I was seeing some old habits, and variations on old habits, which were never as severe as my drinking problem.

I was in what Melody Beattie calls a "recycling" period, where I was going back to old ways of coping. She calls it recycling, because you pass through a cycle, or part of a cycle, again, but you come out further along on your journey than you were before. In other words, it’s a period that can lead to growth. More about this in a minute.

What are some of the warning signs that you could be in a recycling period?

1. You find yourself shutting down emotionally - you discount or ignore your feelings, wants, or needs.

2. Compulsive behaviors return - these may be behaviors you've had trouble with before, or new one: overeating, overworking, overspending, etc.

3. The victim self-image returns - seeing yourself as someone with a "harder row to hoe" than others; envying other people and their successes.

4. Self-worth drops - the critical inner voice gets louder and stronger, telling you you're not good enough.

5. Self-neglect starts - you start to deviate from routine self-care, like not exercising, eating regularly, etc.

6. "Crazies" start - feeling disconnected, overwhelmed, can't think clearly. Maybe you stop calling friends and get more isolated. (My personal warning sign is when I find myself lying down to read in the afternoon because I am "too tired" to do anything.)

7. Feeling trapped - buying into the belief that you have no choices.

There are also certain things you begin to tell yourself with constant, judgmental inner dialog:

"This shouldn't be happening to me."
"If my program were adequate this wouldn't be happening."
"I know better than to let this happen to me."
"I haven't made any progress at all. This is proof."

The instinctive reaction when you start recycling is denial that it's happening, shame, and self-neglect. You can slide into the danger zone of relapse (drinking or using again), chronic depression, chronic physical illness, or – at the extreme - suicidal fantasies if you just let it go.

So how do you get out of a recycling period? You get out of it through acceptance, self-compassion, and self-care. You know how much better you feel when you finally surrender to something rather than trying to exert more and more self-will? It's like me with my weight symptoms. I was struggling to deny a problem that was trying to creep into my awareness, but once I could accept what was going on I could begin to see my way out.

What are some of the things that you can do when you find yourself recycling?

1. Reach out to others: put an emphasis on connection with people, maybe some current friends that you have been neglecting, but also expanding your contacts to include people you don't know. Making a conscious connection helps you break through that state of numbness, or acting without awareness.

2. Take a look at your connection, or lack thereof, to your Higher Power. Do you need to do something different? Try a different method of meditation, or prayer.

3. Review your self-care: are you getting any exercise? Is your diet heavy on junk food and eating on the run? Are you overly busy and not getting enough sleep? Or getting too much sleep if you're depressed? Do you need to pay more attention to your grooming?

4. Review your self-talk: if your inner dialog is overly critical, start writing down what you're hearing so that you can actively confront it.

5. Deal with unfinished business: you might be ready to finally put to rest something that has been holding you back.

6. Clean up your environment. I don't know about you, but my house tends to get messy and cluttered when I'm acting without awareness. Clearing space for yourself can be very freeing.

7. Take action: it might be time for you to take action on something that has been in your radar, but you've been afraid to actually take a step, i.e. a job change, letting go of a destructive relationship, etc.

8. Find a new focus: maybe you need to do some inner work to explore where you stand right now. Are you living in accordance with your values, or is it time to reevaluate and make a shift? Do you need to develop new long-term goals?

If any of the above seems too difficult to implement, consider getting help. We aren't meant to do everything in life on our own. You don't get extra points by doing it by yourself. There may be things that you're called on to do that are beyond your area of current knowledge.

When I was going through my process of reevaluating my work, I hired a business coach who helped me define my business so that I could work from a place of authenticity and groundedness. I would not have been able to make the same progress on my own.

A recycling period is a chance for growth, part of the process where we acquire new, positive behaviors and shed the old, self-defeating ones. Rather than being fearful that something is wrong with you, or that you're going to drink again unless you get strict with yourself, see this period as a nudge to action, a time where you can clear out the old and try new things, even though it might cause some initial anxiety.

Everyone – even people not in recovery – go through periods of feeling mired and stuck. One advantage you have of being in recovery is that you know you don't want to stay there for too long.

Call to Action:

Have you been in a recycling period lately, or are you in one now? What are your typical patterns of self-neglect? What is ONE thing that you would be willing to do today to turn this around and take care of yourself instead?

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Copyright by Martha Ruske, MFT






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Martha Ruske is a Marriage and Family Therapist and Recovery Life Coach. She started Intentional Path as a service to people in long-term recovery from alcoholism who want to step out into the fuller life they deserve. Visit www.intentionalpath.com for a FREE 41-page workbook: "Befriending Yourself," and for a FREE semi-monthly newsletter.

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