Dynamic Disagreement
Author: Victoria Simon, Ph.D.

Who’s Right and Who’s Wrong?
It Doesn’t Matter!

Dynamic Disagreement
the Talk Works way…

It isn’t so much about who’s right and who’s wrong. Sometimes it’s about how we try to convince each other with overly dramatic words and behaviors.

It’s only human and natural to think that our way is best, that our ideas are better, that our solutions are smarter. We all get frustrated when someone doesn’t seem to understand what we are trying to say or doesn’t seem to accept our ideas or opinions. And then… we try to do whatever it takes to convince that other person to do it our way! It may be natural, but not kind… and we lose ideas and relationships as a result.

Communicating is all about building relationships that work, whether it’s with your life partner, your children, your friends, or your boss.

Talk Works’ believes that effective communicating – both the speaking and the listening – requires a learned style and stamina beyond what most people use. Real communication is a tough sport and not enough people are trained for it.

Here are some tools to begin your training as a successful communicator:

1. Don’t measure your success by how many people you convince. Most people, hearing a total new idea, need to resist and reject before they’re ready to accept. If you learn to speak without the expectation that others immediately agree with your ideas, you will find that you’ll be able to state your thoughts clearly and leave plenty of room for the listener to back away. You will be surprised how many people are willing to hear you when they are given some space to think about what you have said.

2. Talk about your ideas in terms of yourself and your own thoughts, rather then about the other person. For example, if you are angry with a co-worker who always wants to join you for lunch even though this is your only private time of the day, rather then saying, “Don’t you have anyone else to have lunch with? You never let me have any time to myself” – try talking ONLY about your own feelings and needs: “My lunch break is often the only part of my day to have some private time. I would appreciate if we could plan to meet only on Mondays and Thursdays.”

3. Listen. No, really listen. Often disagreements escalate even when two people are not overly attached to their ideas, simply because they don’t feel heard by the other person. A good way to check and make sure you’re really listening (and to make sure that you are understanding what that other person is trying to communicate) is to repeat their ideas back to them in your own words. For example, “It sounds like you feel that even when I’m home I’m not giving you my full attention. Is that right?” You have the right to be heard, too, and you may need to encourage others to listen to you. If you hear yourself repeating the same ideas over and over, stop and ask yourself, “Do I feel heard right now? Do I feel understood?” If the answer is “no,” then pause the conversation by saying, for example: “I feel as if I’m having trouble communicating this idea. Could you tell me what you understand about what I’ve been saying because it will make me feel much better if I know that you get it.” (*Note: Not “You’re not listening to me,” but “I feel…”).

4. Fight fair! Did you grow up to the children’s rhyme “Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me?” Wrong! You are guaranteed less comfortable relationships with less real communication as soon as you get mean. Name calling, bad words, cruel comments about someone’s personal issues, condescension or belittling, sarcasm (and many others) are ways to end communication and create hurt feelings and anger. Give one warning if the other person gets mean, such as: “I hope we can work through this disagreement, but I am not able to talk about this if my feelings are not respected and taken care of.” If the other person is not able to hear you or to control their anger then end the conversation! “I was hoping that we would be able to resolve this, but that is the second time that I have felt hurt/uncomfortable/disrespected in this conversation. Why don’t we try to discuss this later/tomorrow when we are both less angry/upset.” And mean it. End the discussion immediately.

5. As mentioned above, people often need to resist new ideas before they are willing to consider, and possibly accept them. Could this be you? Don’t forget that you are 50% of the conversation taking place and the other person also likely feels that his/her ideas are “better,” just as you do. We all can become so attached to our own ideas that it is difficult to hear other suggestions. If you are really listening, you may hear some wise words from others and even if you don’t agree it always breaks down walls to acknowledge or praise those ideas from someone else. For example: “I hadn’t thought of presenting the project like that. That’s very creative. Even if it doesn’t work for this project, do you think that we could use that in the future?”

6. Learn to accept that your thoughts/ideas/methods/desires may not always be accepted by others, no matter how brilliant. The expression “Pick your battles” is important to remember because if you’re determined to bully your way into “winning,” you may get your way, but you will likely have relationships that are not built on trust, respect, equality, sensitivity, and caring.


With these Talk Works’ tools you will find that communication – even during disagreements – is less stressful and more fulfilling. We encourage you to become skilled at expressing your opinions and desires the way you would plant seeds in a garden – almost in defiance of the ending, but with a hopefulness about the future.









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Dr. Victoria Simon, Ph.D. is the CEO and co-founder of Talk Works, a conflict-resolution firm based in Beverly Hills, California. With her background in Forensic Psychology and a decade of experience working in the jails and prisons of California, Dr. Simon has developed revolutionary conflict-resolution programs to train individuals, couples, businesses and organizations nationwide how to communicate their way to successful relationships. www.OurTalkWorks.com 310.860.5191

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