WALKING THE WALK
Author: Jim Clemmer

Leaders don’t seek to change others, but to change themselves. They become models of change for others.

>>Leading by Example<<

"We must be the change we wish to see in this world."
— Mahatma Gandhi, Indian nationalist and spiritual leader who developed the practice of nonviolent disobedience that forced Great Britain to grant independence to India in 1947

LIKE MANY PEOPLE, I’m often tempted to think how I’d like to change the people around me — my wife, my kids, my associates — the list is endless. But changing others is not the place to start. The place to start is with changing me.

The Nobel Prize-winning physicist Albert Einstein once observed that we can’t solve a problem with the same type of thinking that created it. The same principle applies to influencing and leading people around us. I can’t influence others to change what they’re doing with the same behavior that contributed to their current behavior.

The more time I’ve spent with others who I’d like to improve or change, the more this principle applies to me. Something I’ve been doing, or failing to do, has contributed to their current behavior patterns. If I am going to change their behavior, I will need to change my behavior. To change them, I need to change me. As the 18th-century French writer Francois Fenelon put it,

“We can often do more for others by correcting our own faults than by trying to correct theirs.”

WHAT STANDS IN THE way of this key leadership principle is the common (and mistaken) belief that we can control others. It’s an easy trap to fall into — particularly if I am the boss, parent, owner, teacher, coach, project leader, director, or in some similar position of authority. But the fact is that as long as I try controlling others through a position of power, I will always be stuck at the superficial level of “doing my leadership thing.” It is only when I give up trying to control that I am ready to move to the deeper levels of “leader-ship being” (and hence greater effectiveness as a leader). I can then shift my focus to influencing and guiding others by what I do as well as by what I say.

To create something we must be something. For example, becoming a parent is easy; being one is tough. We can’t teach our kids self-discipline unless we are self-disciplined. We can’t help build strong organizational teams unless we are strong team players ourselves.
This timeless principle applies to virtually every facet of our lives. We can’t help develop a close community if we’re not a good neighbor. We can’t enjoy a happy marriage if we’re not a loving partner. We won’t have a supportive network of friends or colleagues until we’re a supportive friend or collaborative colleague.

In The Heart Aroused: Poetry and Preservation of the Soul in Corporate America, David Whyte writes that “All things change when we do.” Gautama Chopra elaborates: “By changing our beliefs, our perceptions, we cause our experience to change, and in this way we change the world around us. There is no true boundary or limit to the self; there is no separation from the world that encircles us. When we master the forces within, we influence the forces without.”

When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country. But it, too, seemed immovable. As I grew into my twilight years, in one desperate attempt, I set-tled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they
would have none of it. And now as I lie on my deathbed,
I suddenly realize if only I had changed myself first, then by example I would have changed my family. From their inspiration and encouragement, I would have been able to better my country and, who knows, I may have even changed the world.

—Anonymous epitaph written on
a tomb at Westminster Abbey

IN MY FIRM’S LEADERSHIP development work, we use a simple exercise to help people see the connection between changes they’d like to see in others and those they need to make in themselves: Draw a line down the middle of a page. Title the left column “Changes I’d Like Them to Make.”

List the four or five biggest changes you’d like to see in others.

OK, that’s the easy part. Now title the right column “Ways I Can Exemplify These Changes.”

Here, write down the ways you can influence “them” with your personal behavior. Difficult, isn’t it? Of course it is — because it forces us to acknowledge all those things we have or haven’t been doing to influence their behavior.

It’s much easier to be a victim here, to blame others for their behavior and refuse to accept any responsibility at all. But how honest and true is that — really? I may need more feedback from them to clearly see my role in their behavior. I probably need to reflect further and deeper on our relationship. The big (and often painful) leadership question is: “What do I need to change about me to help change them?” Instead of just wishing for a change of circumstance, I may need a change of character.








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Excerpted from Jim Clemmer's latest bestseller Growing the Distance: Timeless Principles for Personal, Career, and Family Success. Jim Clemmer is an international keynote speaker, workshop leader, author, and president of The CLEMMER Group, a North American network of organization, team, and personal improvement consultants based in Kitchener, Ontario, Canada. His web site is http://www.clemmer.net/.

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