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People Who Drive You Up The Wall
Author: Gary A. Crow, Ph.D.
Are there people who absolutely, totally, and unequivocally drive you up the wall? Do you sometimes feel like climbing the wall all by yourself as the quickest way to escape from those people? Are there those days when you struggle with the nearly irresistible impulse to turn into a ranting, raving maniac? Is there that one person who gets you so uptight that you do not know whether to turn on your heel and walk out or just sit down and cry? I'll bet you are saying Yes! Yes! Yes! If per chance you are not, you likely have either lived your life on a very lonely island or are a saint, complete with robe and halo.
Good news: Developing a Proactive Personal Style (PPS) is definitely not all making nice and being the Good Samaritan. Sure, those skills are essential for success. You also have to hang tough at times. For example, is there someone driving you up the wall with their suggestions, advice, and superior attitude? They have solutions to problems you do not have, answers to questions you did not ask, and endless advice about how to handle things that you are handling just fine. Their favorite sport is nosing into your business.
Instead of seething inside or giving into the urge to tell them what they can do with their suggestions and opinions, next time, smile and say, "Isn't that my monkey?" Whatever their response, say, "Thank you; but my monkey gets upset if anyone but me tries to handle him." Committing yourself to PPS means that you do not let people mess with your monkey without your permission.
That is not the end of it, though. The know-it-alls of the world do not restrict themselves to messing with your monkey. Their expertise and insight are boundless. They are ready to provide advice and input anywhere, anytime, for anyone. A smiling K-I-A was there to point out to Noah that there may be a flood, to T. Edison that playing with electricity might be shocking, and to Neil Armstrong that pulling off his helmet and yelling, "Where's the party?" could take his breath away. There may have even been a K-I-A around to tell Moses to be sure to get it in writing.
The K-I-A openings have an annoyingly familiar theme. "Have you thought about?" "Did you notice?" "You may want to. . . ." "If I were you. . . ."
While you are getting the inflection on your sarcastic response just right, though, do not forget W. Churchill's admonition that even a fool is right sometimes. That is why it is always wise to consider the advice before discounting the advisor, read the message before turning away the messenger.
Another version of monkey business comes up most anytime you find yourself in the middle of an intense argument that is quickly getting nowhere. The instant you realize what is happening, stop talking, wait five seconds, and then calmly ask, "What do you want the outcome of this conversation to be? What is your goal?"
Ask a few more questions to be sure you understand and to help you determine whether you can support the goal. If so, explain how. If not, say, "Your goal isn't one I can support. If you want, I will try to help you understand why I can't." If the person wants to listen, state your reason as clearly and as briefly as you can. If not, let it go. Whether you calmly explain your reasons or need to just walk away, your refusing to continue the argument lets others know that you are committed to PPS.
Yes, I agree. This is all fine and well; but there assuredly are those times when you need to say your piece. Some people need told and you are going to tell them, PPS be damned. Most certainly, there are times when you need to say what you have to say. More than that, it would be irresponsible not to speak up; but it is important to know how to make your point when that is what you need to do. Just be sure to do it with style.
A good way to see how to say what you have to say with style is seeing how you should not say it. For example, this is not the way to go.
"This may sound stupid, but. . . ." What a way to inspire confidence! Nonetheless, if you think it may be stupid, everyone will need to give it the stupid test before giving you and what you say any serious consideration. Starting with, "As A. Einstein once said. . . ," is probably going too far in the other direction; but it does have the advantage that you and your comments will not have to pass the stupid test. Better to succinctly make your point and then let it stand on its own. Stand up, speak up, shut up, and sit down.
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Gary Crow is the developer of LeadershipVillage.com; is the author of over a dozen books for children and adults including Proactive Personal Style, The Frustration Factor, and Families At risk; and is a nationally recognized speaker and trainer. This article is excerpted from Proactive Personal Style (PPS); Gary A. Crow, Ph.D.; Publish America 2004. To get Proactive Personal Style today, visit Publish America at: http://www.publishamerica.com/shopping/shopquery.asp?catalogid=3828
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