Communication Skills, II
Author: Rinatta Paries

If your conversations tend to be one-way or marked by defensive reactions from those on the receiving end, it's time to review and improve your communication skills. Last week, we addressed the importance of creating a context when initiating a conversation, particularly a difficult conversation. Today I will demonstrate this skill in action, and also introduce another important skill--going far enough.

Let's look at two similar conversations side-by-side, one in which a context is given and one where it is not. Let's examine the effectiveness of each approach. The topic of both conversations will be household chores, with the wife approaching the husband for the discussion.

Without providing a context:
----------------------------

The wife: "We need to talk."

The husband: "Oh, my god, what could she want to talk about? What's wrong? What did I do now?" His thoughts and emotions are focused on THE hot button issues of the relationship. He gets on the defensive in case he will be attacked.

The wife talks about the subject, perhaps her feelings, what needs to be done, what she wants, but her husband doesn't hear much of this. He only hears what he felt prepared to hear believing he was going to be attacked. The couple will most likely get into a fight as a result of this conversation.

With providing a context:
-------------------------

The wife: "Honey, I want to talk to you about the division of household chores."

The husband: "I don't feel like it (perhaps), but ok." Or, "I don't feel like it right now, how about in a half-hour/hour/tomorrow/etc."

The husband's thoughts and emotions are focused on housework. This may not be his favorite subject, but he will participate, brainstorm and listen, as long as the wife sticks to the subject. The couple will likely end up resolving some issues and are likely to walk away from the conversation feeling closer.

Don't assume this dynamic only happens in marriages or is gender-based. All relationships--intimate, work, friendships and family--can benefit from setting a context for conversations. Providing a context allows you to have conversations and resolve issues that are otherwise difficult to approach. In fact, the more difficult the subject, the more context you need to provide to preempt the other person from overreacting or becoming defensive.

Even when you do provide a thorough context, your partner may still have a negative reaction to a sensitive or charged subject. In this case, stop the conversation and address what is going on with him or her. Sometimes it's better to take a break and try the conversation again later.

Keep practicing to reap the benefits of this communication skill.

----------------------------------------
Communication Skill II: Going Far Enough
----------------------------------------

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and walked away knowing the other person misinterpreted what you said? Have you ever ended a conversation wanting a response or action but not knowing whether the person would follow through? These are common experiences and the topic of many of my coaching sessions.

Rarely do we have difficult conversations to simply express ourselves. We mainly have difficult conversations to create an understanding, to change a situation, to create some concrete result. Frequently people are too stressed to remember this when they approach others with difficult subjects, and hence they forget to get the result.

Additionally, when we approach others with difficult subjects, they may go into shock or resistance and say nothing, stonewalling or blowing us off. Most people walk away at this point, even though they did not get what they wanted out of the conversation. When damage has been inflicted, many people are hesitant to rock the boat.

Unfortunately, unless you push a conversation like this forward, you are unlikely to get what you want. Whether you are trying to talk to your partner about sex or doing the dishes, or your boss about a raise, or your kids about their misbehavior, you need to push forward through the initial discomfort and get into the conversation. I call this "going far enough" because you have to venture "far enough" into the conversation to get what you want.

Please do not mistake this for bullying someone into giving you what you want. A conversation really does need to be a conversation, with both people listening and speaking, with both being heard.

Below are guidelines to allow you to go far enough in your conversations:

* Be tactful, but completely honest.
* Say all you need to say.
* Communicate all of your relevant feelings.
* Frequently ask your partner to paraphrase what you are saying.
* Correct all misunderstandings, then ask your partner to paraphrase again.
* Check in with your partner about what kind of feelings and thoughts the conversation is bringing up.
* Clearly request the results or action you want.
* Ask your partner to paraphrase your request.
* Correct all misunderstandings.
* Ask your partner if and how he/she intends to honor your request.
* Negotiate. Offer to honor some of his/her requests.
* Continue to communicate firmly but gently, even when you encounter resistance.
* Return to the conversation later, if needed.
* Communicate until the two of you arrive at a compromise acceptable to both.
* Give your partner the freedom of practicing all of the above with you.

Remember, the art of getting what you want is a communication skill and takes time to master. Expect to get better with practice. Although it takes courage to stay in a conversation when it gets uncomfortable, there are many rewards to going "far enough:"

* You will get more of what you want.
* You will know where you stand and what to expect from others.
* You will feel complete.
* Others will respect you as someone who communicates clearly, and who expects the best from them.
* Others will tell you the truth, knowing that you will accept nothing less.
* And most importantly, you will have mastered another skill that will help you create great relationships.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries
www.WhatItTakes.com

(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2001. For more than a decade, master certified coach Rinatta Paries has been inspiring and coaching men and women to attract and sustain healthy, long-term relationships. Having coined the term "relationship coach," Paries shares her expertise each week in her free ezine, the Relationship Coach Newsletter, and through her quizzes, classes and coaching techniques. Learn more by visiting www.WhatItTakes.com.








--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As a Master Certified professional relationship coach, Rinatta Paries works with hundreds of singles each month seeking her expertise in helping them find and attract loving, fulfilling, long-term relationships. More than 11,500 subscribers read her weekly ezine, "The Relationship Coach Newsletter," filled with insightful, applicable and attainable relationship advice. Rinatta is a graduate of Coach University, a premier educational institution for training professional coaches, and a member of the International Coach Federation, an independent coaching certification organization. For more information, visit www.WhatItTakes.com

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------