Life Skill Strategies for Beating the Holiday Blues
Author: Jill Raiguel

Are you dreading the holidays? Are you afraid of slipping into negative habits? Do you feel pressured to spend time with people you don’t like? Do you feel out of control? Applying some holiday life skills lessons you can begin to create a meaningful, fun and nurturing holiday for you and your family. It takes time and effort to learn new behaviors, but, life skills students tell me over and over again the rewards are worth it.

Susan told me last year, “I wish it were over, I just want to fast-forward to January 1st and be done with the holidays.” This powerful businesswoman already felt overwhelmed and disappointed before Thanksgiving.

I asked her if she’d be open to some life skills coaching. Susan and her children were going to the obligatory dinner with relatives that drank too much. She disliked their negative attitude about life. And she certainly didn’t feel like buying them all presents.

“If these people were not family would you spend time with them?” I asked.

“NO!” she blurted out. “But I have to see them.”
“You do?” I confronted her gently. Then I offered, “What if you didn’t go. Or, what if you went for 30 minutes and then created just what you and your kids wanted to do? What would that be? I suggest you have a meeting with family and create what you all want to do.

What would be nurturing and festive for each person? Listen to everyone and create a plan together. Make your own family tradition that meets your needs.”

Susan did just that. Susan didn’t want to cook, her son wanted to see a new movie, and her daughter wanted to do a puzzle. She and her teenagers stopped by the family and left quickly, went to a holiday movie, then had pizza and did a new puzzle at home. A month later she told me it was the best holiday they’d had in years. Susan took back her power, set her boundaries, and created what she needed. She also modeled those skills for her kids.

WHAT TO YOU NEED?

This is a key question in breaking up the pleasing pattern. When I first started asking myself this question I truly did not know the answer. I had so dropped myself out of the equation, I did not know if I wanted Chinese, Italian or health food. Having an alcoholic father, I learned to please at my mother’s knee. I copied all her co-dependent habits.

Now I ask myself that question frequently so I include my needs in friendships and certainly holidays. Even though I stay at my sister’s with 10 visiting relatives, I need quiet time. So I take a short walk, or go into a bedroom and meditate. I remind my sister by asking her what does she need? After cooking, she sits down while others do the dishes.

Try writing WHAT DO I NEED? on a post-it. Put it on your mirror or computer or refrigerator. What do you need so the holidays will be fun and nurturing for you? Do you need to order from catalogs so you avoid crowded malls? Do you need a buddy you can talk to when you get stressed? Do you need permission to meet your needs? Do you need to avoid dysfunctional family that would jeopardize your recovery?

WHAT’S MEANINGFUL FOR YOU?

Ask each family member and yourself what would give the holidays meaning. Since my mother and father have both passed away I make a small donation to their favorite charity in their name. I enjoy singing, so I make sure I plan to go to at least one holiday concert. One local family serves meals at a soup kitchen because they wanted to give of themselves. To avoid the pressure of buying lots of gifts, one extended family draws names so each person buy one gift for one other adult.

In one of my first life skills groups the class realized none of them wanted to be with their families. So they made a Christmas dinner for the group, no alcohol, no arguments, healthy friends, positive interactions.

WHAT’S FUN FOR YOU?

List 10 things you like to do. When I first started doing that simple exercise in my classes, I was startled at how confronting it can be. One man didn’t remember having any fun as a child. Another just recalled being benched on the baseball and football team. One lady told me her family just fought when they were going on vacations.

All that is not happening to you now. So I invite you to list 10 things you like to do at the holidays. Bake, make cards, sing, smell the pine trees, gather pinecones, drink hot cider. Then be sure to create those things in your holiday plans.

Perhaps you’ll have some feelings come up from the past. Good. Release and let them go. Then enjoy the moments you have created for yourself.

I have found that my 10 things don’t cost much money, and are very simple. But when I’m rushed I drop them out. So I schedule time in my calendar to go to the mountains and gather pinecones.

ARE YOU OVEREXTENDING?

Especially at this time of year, people often have too much to do, not enough time and not enough money.

People have to fit all the preparations and shopping into already busy lives. The overwhelm can lead to stress and even illness. One friend told me she asks for help. She posts her list of things that need doing on the refrigerator. If she can give it away, she puts it on the list.

A teacher colleague starts making her presents in August. When I saw her 20 hand-made gifts, I felt a little guilty. But I asked myself what are my priorities, what is important to me? I realized I don’t want to take the time to make things, but I enjoy giving them.
So I buy small gifts at the local craft fair that let people know I care.

I’ve stopped comparing my giving to others.

One man told me he often has three or four gatherings to attend on a December evening. He and his wife used to race around trying to meet every obligation. Now they select the ones they want to attend, and give their regrets to the others. As a result, they have a more sane and enjoyable season
Being the child of an alcoholic, I’ve had to learn and re-learn that when I take care of myself and have fun, I am filling my cup.

I have more energy and desire to give to the people in my life. When I don’t I get resentful and cranky. That’s my reminder that I’ve forgotten me. When people listen to their own needs, nurture themselves at the holidays they are less likely to be disappointed and more likely to have a happy holiday.







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Having worked with people in recovery for over 25 years, Jill Raiguel, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, is author of Life Skills: Keys to Effective Living and is currently a professor at California Polytechnic University, Pomona. To contact Jill directly, go to www.jillibean.com .

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