The “Right Woman or Man Theory”
Author: Lynne Namka

“I Need to Be Right” Way of Thinking

One of life’s biggest set ups is living with the erroneous belief that your way is the only way. Some people seem to have taken a life course called, How To Be Absolutely Sure of Everything! People who feel constantly threatened and angry when others question their actions live a limited life. Living life always on the defense is no fun! Wanting and insisting on getting your own way is a set up for unhappiness. As Andre’ Maurois said, “Everything that is in agreement with our personal desires seems true. Everything that is not puts us in a rage.” A closed system is one which keeps new information out to protect the status quo. The person who needs to be right is a closed system big time!

People who are prone to anger have a set pattern of beliefs, attitudes, expectations and behaviors which insist on getting their own way. It’s sad, but true, the more of you have of the following characteristics, the more angry you will have:

_____ An insatiable need to be right
_____ A deep fear of being wrong
_____ A high need to control others
_____ An inability to say, “I don’t know” and “I was wrong”
_____ Feelings of threat when new ideas come from other people. New ideas can only come from self
_____ Fear of hearing new information that threatens your beliefs
_____ Fear of letting go; need to be in control of self at all times
_____ Preoccupation with winning approval from others
_____ The neurotic need to always be seen as tough, powerful and strong
_____ Pride at always being rational and logical
_____ Uncomfortable with expressing feelings
_____ Shame and fear of being vulnerable and insecure.
_____ Fear and severe discomfort about having bad feelings

Fear is the major dynamic operating in this condition. These people often deny the most common fears of heights, snakes and public speaking. The hidden fear is feeling vulnerable, emotional and out of control. Another fear is the threat to their calm state that others bring up when they present a differing view. Uncomfortable emotions are repressed. People who have this condition are called repressors in the psychological literature.

Most typically, repressing of the negative emotions is more likely found in men. A new study of 1704 men aged 40 to 70 suggests that men who have high levels of testosterone in their blood are less happy in life. High testosterone levels often results in aggressive behavior and alienation of other people. Men high in the male hormone have double the divorce rates of men low in the hormone. The higher testosterone powered men in the study reported finding less pleasure in life and the less they looked forward to the future.

The Antidote: Develop Your Feelings and Your Intuition

As you get more in touch with your feelings, you can learn to deal appropriately with things that upset you. You don’ have to be afraid of feelings. Feelings are only feelings. They come and go. Uncomfortable feelings need not be feared. The best thing to do with uncomfortable feelings is to just watch them and then learn from them.

As you develop your intuitive, creative side, you complement your rational side making you a full functioning human being. As you relinquish self centeredness and look to the needs of those around you, you develop intimacy and connectedness. As you dismiss the belief of “I have to be need to be safe through having it my way,” you have more self understanding. As you release your need to only see things in the way that you have seen them before, you open up new possibilities and adventures in your life. As you let go of your need to control others, you have more energy to spend on things that are really important. Life is more fun when you no longer are in charge of making things right in the world!








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Lynne Namka is a psychologist in Tucson, AZ who has an award winning web site on anger mangement. http://members.aol.com/AngriesOut/index.htm

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