Reclaim Your Independence
Author: Marije Miller

Each year we celebrate the 4th of July, Independence Day, in the most magnificent ways! With beautiful parades that involve the whole community, elaborate picnics and amazing fireworks this day has become one of the Nation’s greatest holidays. And while it is very important to look back and celebrate this country’s history, it also gives us a great opportunity to look at our current lives and evaluate our own personal independence. Personal independence, meaning: How much in control are you of your life?

In my practice as a Personal and Professional Coach, I encounter a large number of people that feel their life isn’t what they want it to be or how they thought it would be growing up. They feel stuck, overwhelmed or in any other way not in control. Their life doesn’t flow. Things aren’t going easily. Life feels like a big struggle, every single day. Does any of this sound familiar? It wouldn’t surprise me: most people I work with feel stuck in one (or more) of the following areas: finances, career, family life, social relationships, health, future plans and so on. Feeling stuck in any part of your life is an uncomfortable experience, but luckily you can do something about it! You don’t have to just accept and live with it, even if it sometimes seems that way. My mentor, Terri Levine says, “If you feel stuck, you’re not aligned with your life purpose”.

The story of this client of mine illustrates this point very well. Linda, a single mom, was struggling tremendously to find a job to be able to feed her daughter. She had recently moved to be closer to her family, but couldn’t find work that paid enough to enable rent, utilities and daycare. Her plan was to go to school in the evenings to retrain herself as a nurse. She felt that this would be a field of enormous growth in the future and would give her steady and reliable income.

This was extremely important to her, being the sole responsible person in her small family. However, when we started our work together, I noticed a lack of enthusiasm in her voice whenever she talked about her schooling or becoming a nurse. I brought that to her attention. Then I asked her to think about what her ideal work would be like. If anything could be possible, what would she like to do? What things in her previous positions did she enjoy the most? I asked her to make the list as long as possible and as detailed as she could dream up. Linda did exactly that. She listed all her skills and experiences she had enjoyed in the past.

She gathered them into a description of what her perfect job would be like and then sent out resumes that showed her enthusiasm and expertise. Within one month, Linda had quit her job where she made only per hour, dropped out of school and found her personal dream-career in the construction/ real estate business she had enjoyed working in years ago! To top it all, she now makes 5 times as much as she did before!

That is how it often happens: once you are able to get ‘unstuck’, you open up new space to attract new and better things in your life! That is what happened to Ginny. Ginny was a stay-at-home mom, who contacted me for help in early 2001. She told me that she experienced her life as no longer fun. She loved her young son and stood firmly behind her decision to stay home with him until he reached school-age. However, she realized that every day was becoming a struggle. She lived in a small 2- bedroom apartment, where a large part of the Master bedroom and the living room was taken up by desks and computers. This equipment was necessary to assist her husband in his work as a computer engineer. She told me she felt cramped by all the stacks of paper and other important things that were lying around.

In order for her not to see them, she would watch television all day, thus effectively closing herself off from her surroundings. Until she realized she became more easily irritated with her son. She decided to find a way to cope with her struggle and contacted me to work with her. During our sessions together I became to know her as an extremely warm, deeply caring person, whose strong devotion to her family was admirable. What we needed to do was find ways for her to deal with the things that kept her feeling stuck, so she would be able to enjoy her family and her life, again. Together, we looked at her life and identified her tolerances. A tolerance is something in your life that you feel ‘should’ be there, but that is costing you tremendous energy. We all have beliefs why we think certain things should be a certain way in our life. For instance, ‘it has always been like this’, or ‘that’s just how it’s supposed to be’. For Ginny, it was signified by all the stacks of paper and other things that were important for her to have around, but that literally took away her living space.

So her number one priority became to get organized. This was a big process for her and an enormous achievement that she could cross off her list of tolerances! Together, we set up strategies that worked for her to keep this part of her life under control and in time, it all became an easy routine! Now she had time to do the things she really wanted to do, like enjoying her son more. She took up walking and biking and since she spent more time at the park, she made more social contacts with others. Ginny even decided to take some classes on subjects she was interested in! Also, she moved with her family into a 3-bedroom apartment, where they now have a separate office!

Both Linda and Ginny found new independence in their lives. They both felt stuck in different areas, but both changed their perspective or belief on how things should be to how they wanted it to be. For Linda, it meant letting go of the struggle of starting a career in a field that she didn’t enjoy, but that would ‘pay the bills’. Her realization, that it would be possible to earn enough money while enjoying her career, made a tremendous shift in her outlook in life and in her future. For Ginny, it was the realization that, once everything would be in order and with a workable routine, it would be easier for her to keep up with life’s demands and have more space for fun in her life.

Now, it’s time for you to reclaim your personal independence! Take a moment to think about these questions. Writing things down can often help you gain clarity in your situation. You might see a line or a pattern emerge that otherwise could slip away. Now, think of your life, currently: How are you experiencing the various aspects of your life? Look at your financial situation, your relationships, your job. Are you truly enjoying how you spend your time earning money? How do you spend your spare time? In which area of your life would you like to reclaim your independence? Now, let’s use a quick example. Say, you want more social contact. How would you like it to be? You might say that you would like to spend three days or evenings a week with a group of like-minded people.

What is holding you back from doing that? Fear, because you don’t know that many people! What resources do you have? Well, you know that Grass Valley has a lot of community activities, especially in the summer. There are several great parks where you might meet people. You might be able to become active in a sport that you like. Volunteer organizations could always need a hand and give you the opportunity to meet new people. Where can you go for information? Well, your local newspaper is a good start! Then there is local radio, which usually has a great community board. How about the library? As you see, looking closely at the area that you felt stuck in suddenly offers a number of suggestions you can use to change your situation! Lastly, which one step can you take today, to claim your independence? Think about it and have fun with it! My one step is to connect with my community: I will be at the Nevada County Fairgrounds to enjoy the celebrations. Hope to see you there!








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Marije Miller is a Personal and Professional Coach. She has been on radio and has been interviewed and published on the internet. She works as Dean of the Explode into Coaching Program for Comprehensive Coaching U, www.coachinginstruction.com and has a personal coaching practice in Grass Valley. Marije offers a free initial coaching session and can be reached at (530) 274-7568 or coach@yourgreatestlife.com. You can visit her website at www.yourgreatestlife.com.

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