THE ENCHANTED SELF(R) A POSITIVE THERAPY
Author: DR. BARBARA BECKER-HOLSTEIN

In my years as a psychologist, I have come to believe that most people seeking psychotherapy are unhappy not only because of earlier hurts and traumas, as well as present frustrations and problems, but because they cannot access earlier happier moments often enough, resulting in not being able to experience enough positive states of well being. It is these unique states of well being that I have come to label THE ENCHANTED SELF.

Many scientists of human behavior recognize that we do not yet, and perhaps never can, fully understand human nature. I have become more and more convinced that we do not. For example, what interests me is that we do not fully understand some people, who have apparently fortunate lives but experience little joy, while others apparently less fortunate, experience great joy. Perhaps we have tried too hard to understand pathology in our science of psychology while we have not tried hard enough to recognize and understand what I call ego-states, or happiness.

When I first began to analyze data from the women I interviewed, I kept trying to understand how their enhanced adult lives evolved from the childhoods they talked about. I found that although there seemed to be some clear connections, many others were not clear at all.

The capacities of these women to reclaim positive aspects of their childhood, while discarding the dysfunction that was often also present, was astounding to me. It seemed as if a magic wand had been tapped on the women's heads in their adult lives.

For example, When Edith talked about her childhood, she at first remembered only its dysfunctional aspects; the fighting between her parents and their constant criticality. I suggested that we go back and look again at her childhood to identify times when in spite of the pain of family life, she felt excited about her own life and about herself. With the encouragement, she could separate out positive memories of herself from dysfunctional family experiences and she remembered some wonderful times; delightful family picnics, fishing with her grandfather, etc.

I wish you a joyful journey. I hope that your life feels whole and that you find your past, whether beautiful or painful, a repertoire of talents and capabilities that are uniquely yours. I hope that your talents, capacities and potential will give you a sense of well being as they thrust you into the world in meaningful ways. That's what this newsletter is all about, ways of bringing joy and pleasure into your life - recognizing your uniqueness - the potential of your history. You can ACCESS WONDERFUL MEMORIES

THE ENCHANTED SELF is focusing on you - your memories, your talents and your capacities for joy and happiness. You may not realize that one of hour most previous gifts in terms of accessing joy is your capacity to utilize your memory in positive ways. All of us seem to know how to use our memories in negative ways. How easy it is to conjure up bad feelings surrounding a disappointment. How easy it is to remember unpleasant times. However, it is much more useful and leads to more happiness if we can reminisce about good times (we have all had at least some) and also sift through our memories for our talents, strengths, and potential. I focus on teaching you how to value your own history with all its ups and downs. Seeing your past, even with its disappointments at times, as a G-d given opportunity to experience life, is a major step in validating your uniqueness and your specific purpose in life. This is your story and nobody else's. Your life is a marvelous adventure that could not and will not happen to anyone else. I teach you how to scan your history and to recognize and emphasize your abilities rather than your disabilities. Learning to view our self in a positive way puts you in an advantageous position to reinvent yourself. Haven't you known someone who as a very successful businessman, for example, and sure enough in his past was a grandparent or a parent who took him to the factory or the office all of the time, making him feel special? Or perhaps you know a mother who later in life started a successful catering business, and sure enough there was a love of cooking and nutrition that went back for many years?

Successful people always pull from earlier talents and refurbish themselves as necessary.

Also there is pleasure and new changes to bring joy into your life in reviewing your life from the perspective of looking for happy memories. For example, you may remember enjoying archery when you were a child at day camp. Perhaps you loved being out in the field basking in the sun. Actually you were not interested in the archery so much as a chance to have free time and socialize and joke with your friends. Your best friend may also have loved archery, but she loved it for different reasons, she was determined to become a champion and win the Blue Ribbon at the end of the season. Her intentions and her experience of pleasure was very different for yours. Now when you brainstorm ways to bring more joy into your life you might pick sitting at a park or spending time walking the boardwalk, or planning more time with friends. Meanwhile, your friend might decide to take tennis lessons and become a competitive player. These are certainly different roads to pleasure and joy.

For enchantment starters, try listing three things you enjoyed doing as a child. How could you find ways to do them again or what else could you try as an adult that might be similar?

I hope you have enjoyed this taste of enchantment.






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Barbara Becker-Holstein, Ed.D. is a psychologist in private practice. Her book THE ENCHANTED SELF, A Positive Therapy, published by Harwood Academic Press, is now available at your local bookstore and Amazon.com. For more information feel free to contact Dr. Holstein at (732) 571-1200 or 1(877)-BJOYFUL.


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